Passed away the 26th?Can't recall now, it was Tuesday. In the end he was buried today. Last night I went to grieve with James and Co. but I think it only reinforced my loner nature. How can people mourn with others? It's still a skill I must learn. Not only because I fear hurting others during such a sensitive time, but because I am afraid of the coldness that overcomes me when I am with others this way. I recall talking with James and listening to him speak of Jon and their relationship. That made me happy but when he veered off to talk about how It takes a death to get you (Me) to contact me. The calm counselor part of me (Which was thankfully in control) sympathized and understood him. Why this event triggered so many sentiments (including him talking about some lost loves). However, the other part of me raged. How dare he say that to me? This is our time to dedicate to lamenting the life and love of a dear old friend. Not the time to get out all of your pathetic and misguided love affairs! How dare he desecrate such a sacred time for me with his self absorbed babble about matters that pale in comparison to what is at hand? We've lost a love of our lives and he's Never. Coming. Back. Period. The chapter has been closed. Kelly (His father) said that if we needed him for anything to call him. It's today that I became (With Sara and Katie) his daughters and have been crowned one of Jon's Angels (Or whatever revered title he gave us

My father asked if I wanted to go to a grief counselor. I don't even know; I feel I should. I'm no wreck but lord knows I want to work out the kinks. Moreover the ones I can't see because I can't see myself and am under educated about the ramifications of these sorts of tragedies.

The burial was the only thing I got to go to. They couldn't get a hold of me. It was a Christian service (he's pagan) which makes sense. The words spoken were all pretty and remorseful but some part of me rebelled against it. I prayed that all Gods concerned watched over him and of course my personal favorite (is that even correct to say?) to watch over me.

My final Message to Jon:It couldn't be any other way. (He'll understand all the nuances)

I'm trying to figure out if this is good or bad.



And it's back to the grindstone for me. 

But it was fun today talking about how poeple are. Humans are such intresting creatures. We're so complex. Althought the basic needs are simple it's obtaining those needs that's hard. i expressed this thought to my best friend and as alwas we got into another one of our discussions. Maining centering on how humans function after the breakup because lately if feels like everyone is mad at some sort of Ex (Friends, lover, you name it). What I can say is that I am glad I ususaly hang with my elders. Thier wisdom has only feuled my will to seek out brutal honesty. It's made me stronger and pushd my limits in ways none of my peers could hope to ever do. This, of course, reminds me of Arlene. She's outspoken, opinionated, and tells you like it is (Jackie ray would adore her). I've been stung by her before and I liked it.. After all, while most things are learned the hard way, I am glad I learned several things by mearly listening to the stories of my elders. Even when my elders think they are just telling stories of thier youth i see it as much more. As an example I recall my reasoning for deciding to never move in with a lover...fucking EVER. My father told me about moving in with Derinda. But more importantly I recall his commentary as he closed the story by telling me about the breakup. When they broke up he said " And it's so hard when you live together. You watch them searching for thier own place to live." it was in that moment I decided that I wasn't going to live with that sorta pain. Everyone else could move in with thier SO's but I am not going to (And if they don't like it they can leave me). I guess I'm just really greatful for the wonderful people that have came and left. Even if those poeple were not here long they have all left thier own marks on me. I recall, in my never ending quest to understand maturity, asking Wade what he thought maturity was. His answer "I think maturity is when you realize that other poeple are around you." andi I thought bout that. At first I thought it was a bit absurd but it nagged on me. Now, a good year or so later I think I have a deeper understanding of what that phrase means. It's comforting in a way.

Quick side note: I do not spend your money, Benny.

So Jackie and Benny have finally found a place that pleases them both. Ben will have hot babes and Jackie his night clubs.

BTW, I hate blonds. Sorry Benny, our taste in women is different. You can keep your bottle blonds with that same hairstyle they all wear. The upside is that they are good looking women who seem to take care of themselves. Oh, and yes, watch out for the married ones. XD I always liked my white women with contrasting hair color and a pear or hourglass shape. I'm more of a body person I guess. Plus, I like those who break the mold a tad. I'm slightly eccentric, sue me.

Some how...some way... the topic of my singleness has come up. JACKIE WHAT IS KELLY PLOTTING!!??!? I KNOW IT'S HER! But seriously. I follow the rule of even numbers when it comes to dating. Mostly circling around the number four and eight. I told my best friend (Wife) that and she just gave me a look since this'll be my fourth year of singleness. I think my oddness about certain things even gets to her sometimes (Like the fact that I name everything damn near). But I marked the end of my last relationship with my birthday and noone on this planet has a CHANCE untill after 8/18/2007. I'll be 23, yay....ok, not very exciting really. And I don't want any pitiful sob stories about my breakup and my brithday. I do it cause I remember my birthday, not the breakup.

But I sat back and talked to Jackie about it for awhile. He's come to the conclusion that I have to be with a Jew (Because I like pretty things). It was a good laugh and it reminded me of how much I love bullshitting with that man. And he said he'll have to find someone who can deal with me because I am dificult. HOW?! I tell people what I want, but then he said it's that what I want is difficult. Damn. I'll have to ask him about non difficult women in order to truely understand this.


Dude, I just broke a root bear bottle mouth trying to open it. I poured it into a glass but I just realized (upon finishing the drink)...there are two tiny glass shards at the bottom. A little dangerous I must say. Thank god my father isn't here or I wouldn't hear the end of it.

And am I the only one who falls in love with a beautiful pocket watch? 
http://www.epos.ch/collection/pocket/2089.htm
or this watch love of my life (That I'll never be able to afford but knowing it exists is enough for me)
http://wristfashion.com/2006/02/06/speedy-twilight/

Final note, If I join WoW I am joining Horde. Sorry, they have the blood elves. That's final.

Daniel is my senior and a sloppy insipid twit. First, she dresses like a frumpy high schooler. one who never discovered the iron. Second she bebops around like a pregnant (and she is) cheerleader. Making almost random unintellegent sounds from time to time. Third and formost she has the audacity to tell me "Could you please get back to work?" This is coming from a baby mamma who shoves her work onto other people, talks to her mother and buddy all day, and is respected by noone. Kiss my ass.

Today has been very funny. It has reminded me of my goals. I've been chilling at home with no internet for so long I've almost forgotten my passion for fashion.

I have been told on too many occasions to get a sugar daddy, but I don't want one.

But I like pretty stuff. So that means I'ma have to get a decent paying job.

This is good. 



But we were talking about me signing up for one of these sugar baby deals. I had been looking for opinions and articles about rich men supporting woman and all. Yet all I find is a bunch of dating sites. Bleh! I then spoke with Veronica about her mother. Her mom is awesome. She's got the coolest deal. She quit her job and her boyfriend/friend (Whatever!) paid for breast augmentation and lipo, man. COOLIES! Now she works as his personal assistant and I guess lives with him or something. Either way she travels with him to his business meetings (They just got back from Denver). All I can do is high five her man, she's got it made and really, I am so happy for her. She really likes him too so that's a plus. I hope they are doing well. I believe this is the same man I told her to get with months ago. I told her to stop dating these looser little punks that had nothing going for them. She said she didn't mind that he was gone and he was such a better catch. I recall her basically saying she was intimidated by his high position. I told her thus: Is he nice? Yes. Does he treat you well? Yes. Do you like him? Yes. Do you mind his work? No. Is he capable? YES. Then what the FUCK is wrong with you??!!! *slap*

It amazes me when an older lady, of all the poeple, isn't sick of the looser little boys that younger woman generaly put up with. Time to move pass all the little boys who are still sucking at the breast. She's a grown woman with alomst three grown children. I'm so proud of her I almost wanna personally call her up and congratulate her on finding such a charming man.

This week has been exciting.

On thursday I ended up staying up till one in the morning talking with Benny. That was the same day (Friday) I bitched out my Wife for letting the words of an underacheiver bring her down. It's no lie that I think Jamie is a looser and shouldn't bring down other people for her failures in life. Or at least don't bring down anyone I beleive is my charge.

Friday night I went out with my little sister and crew. Haven't seen these guys in forever. Ray was fun to have around because even though he was quiet I really respected his culinary commentry at dinner. It's fun to listen to someone who really knows their way around food. Well, the man just finished cooking school. I also hadn't seen Ross in awhile too. I forgot how outspoken and just crazy that NY Jew is. But his crush on my sister could use some more finess. But we sat around talking about relationships and teaseing my sister about her current one. I will say that while I do like her boyfriend I worry heavily about the relationship (maybe because it's her first one). He's a good guy so I'm not worried about having to buy a shotgun. He's just not a conversationalist so having him around is boring as fuck. Bottom line about realtionships: If you keep getting duds (Read: Loosers, assholes, people you don't really wanna be with) then maybe it's YOU.

And thus I got to sleep at three saturday morning. Then woke up at 8 to piss around getting dressed and head over the see Benny. Let us recall the tittle of this post please .... thank you. Maybe I'm in my element when I shop. Maybe I like spending money as a whole (Doesn't have to be mine nor on me). Or purhaps playfully bossing people around is a sport to me. You know, I think it's all of them. By the way, Benny forgot to mention that I made him upgrade his wallet. Then I proceeded to drag him into the kitty store. Just imagine a big gooney white guy sticking out like a sore thumb in a sea of pink. That's Ben. i purchased a coffee maker and an icecub tray. Then told him my birthday is august the 18th and that he and Jakie Ray could go halvies on getting me the hot/cold hello kitty water despenser. XP I probably won't get it but at least I said something.

And here's a question even though I know the answer. Why is it that some people treat their "Good" friends poorly and then turn around to wonder why no one has their back?(Loose friendships don't count. We're talking about the peole we think are our "core" friends) It amazes me how many people are stuck in highschool where we all were assholes who were too spoiled to get it. We all took some shit then but grew outta it for the most part. Yet, is seems like some poeple still are stuck in the days where double crossing your friend was forgivable because you called them friend (And vice versa). Sorry doesn't cut it anymore, fuckers! Don't ask me to follow you to hell when you wouldn't even follow me to the grocery store. That's final.

minestrone soup truly IS poor man's soup. I don't really like it but I am hungry. XD I'll have to tell dad to stop buying it... then the world to stop making it.

I don't even PLAY WoW nor do I have any plans to, but I am slowly understanding it's workings. Damn you, Benny!

Things are good. I am fine. Sleeping a lot. Not partying as much as I used to. Gained some pounds and losing them again. YAY. Not much to say but I found a lady who's willing to sell her SCion XA

Sorry guys. I have no computer so I have been somewhat MIA.

Either way my life is fine. It's like nothing has changed.

Work has been an absolut WONDER when it comes down to the fact that the overtime is killer.

However, i will be going to Cali from march 11 to the 17th. I'll be I the hollywood and lower area. Cause I keep forgettting where Joshes grandparents live...like oceanside or something. You know, some cali-hippy named city with a beach.

welp...er...YEAH! Call me or better yet, text me. My apartment gets damn near no signal. thanks XD

Well what's done is done.

It's almost the 15th (Next pay day) and after that I will be one step closer to dec 27th.

I doubt anyone will visit me till feb or so. after all I'll be doing all my decorating ahd stuff. I plan on having a party for my friends at my house. granted I should just have it over at Jason's (Deli...Kidding KIDDING!).

Othe than that I got my schedual changed at work so now I am just coasting till thefinal day. I am a bit bored but I can just read a book.

I';ve eaten til lI can't eat anymore. but this time of the year always gets me thinking and questioning myself.

( Why I don't like Turkey Day and X-mas or Yes, it's because I am the devil )

But lately I have been having the most awesome time in my head. Since I am moving out I am not peticularly angry (unless I start thinking of things that make me angry about my father). Of course, since I know how that emotional pendulum goes and I know how mine tends to work.

( But will I call the bastard? )

and now to get to bed. yeah. XD

Went and made a male account on RO. I had no clue what to name myself so I picked my male friends. Then I realized they are have common names that everyone has surely taken. XD Ok, not JR so I used his name but I freaked out my RO fiance. He's too funny. He just wonders why so many of his Ro female friends do that. I say being male for a little while is fun. Though it turned into a lot more...

currently there is almost no drama. This is good.

The only thing I need to do now is contact Ryuu. I have been a bad person and I haven't calleed him back or ANYTHING. I've been meaning to but I'm busy and when I do think to call him back I just get distressed. Not because he's not a sweet guy and all, but because he's borig as fuck to talk to. At first it was nice but now that my brain wants more of a challenege I can't bear it. And how do you tell a person "You're really not very intresting to talk to. When you become more of a conversationalist. call me." ok, so I could just say it like that but that's just such a rude way of getting the same message through. But I know I will have to suck it up and do something about it. So I figure I will this afternoon. You all don't need to tell me how. I will just tell him the truth and be done with it. Because I know he is capable of very intellegent conversation. And at the very least it's not like it has to be all about his stupid life drama but damn it all.... (sighs) he's so much better at conversation in the net it just kills me.

And another thing hit me. I am just way too old for hte internet at times. I shit you not. Sometimes when I am on I just don't feel hip enough to mingle around here. People may not agree with me but this has always gotten to me:

Poeple who leave their messangers up. Not because they are activly talking or just left to take a shower or something, but because they have no life and are just overjoyed to see a message waiting for them when they get back. For the love of christ go out and get laid already. Turn off the messanger and go to sleep or whatever it is you are doing for more than 30 minutes.

And i don't want any boo-hoo gruff. E-mail was made for a reason.

Onward.

So i got approved for my apartment. YAY! And now i just need to remember what all i need to be able to run it. XD My X-mas list will be very praticle this season. When i start getting all the heavy stuff then I will enslave (Read: ask politely) for Jakie Ray to help me move shit around.

BTW. Why do apple wine coolers suck so much?

So I applied for an apartment today.

Unfortunatly the loft at belle rive was impossible.

However, I did get one with paid utilities and cement/concrete walls at the Camellero. No washer and dryer in unit but the cement walls sold me from the word go. I don't wanna hear anyone having sex and I am sure of the same vice versa (Who am I fucking again?). That's final.

So they're gunna do my credit check and the whole shebang. Let's pretend I get the apartment. I'm in the second sector for the Camellero apartments. This is a competetor they bought out awhile ago. This means they are older but they have cement walls damn it! Plus, the kitchens are huge and the layout is much more intresting in several ways. It doesn't come with a storage compartment which kind of sucks for some but is fine with me. I'm not bringing all that stuff that I had to put in my father's strorage (I.E. the loft guest house). So it's really a lot of books and clothes. YAY!

The apartment requires me to get renters insuarance, but given the amount it was (113 annual) and how much it was with liability (161 annual) I think I can take it. Plus even before I got into getting an apartment I had heard about renters insurance. I just didn't know where to get it etc. Now I do. XD

I tried to quickrestart Kaiak today. He will NOT register the first disc of the damn program. He keeps telling me to insert Disc one. i was about to throw him threw a fuckign wall. So I turned him off. XD

Welp, since I am sick I have only been sleeping and playing RO

Got to check out WoW a bit more last night. I know everyone and thier mother wantas me to play. i say, buy me the game adn i will play, but not a second before. I don't feel like dropping that money into it. I'll pay for the service and all, just not the game. XD
So make it like, a X-mas present. I'll thank ya later

and anyway

Had to drop two classes. the work load is killing me. I can't keep this up and so I won't. It's just that simple. my fatehr may make me move out because of that discision but I'm ready for it.

I can't, go to school, work and have a life this way, and if i don't have a loife (I.E. relax and have fun) what the hell is the point of living? NBut knowing my father he's gunna thin k ishould sacrifice having a life for everything else. SORRY POPS! (most) People don't stay sane that way. Even Emo kids get on the net and be emo with one another.

my spelling and everyhting for this post must be HORRID, but i just can't help it. I'm woosy and all that

I've been sick since god damn THURSDAY!! i am so sick of being sick. I am so sick of staying home. I am so sick of fatehr bytching and throwing tantrums liek a two year old. GROW UP OLD FUCKING MAN!! AND SHUT UP!! I'm tired and cranky.... and dizzy....

Bought the old version of the DS of jason. Man it rocks. Got the Cooking mama game. I was having a blast with it.

But other than that it'sschool as usul. but I will say that my philosophy classwill make one think.

if god is al lthat and a bag of chips, why the hell is his creation so fucked up? And on top of that, what is prefection?

My father got some costly high def flat screen tv that;s so friggin wide i don't know how it's gunna fit in the tv spot.

Now he's putting togetehr the stand for it. YAY! Power tools. Didn't even know father HAD power tools. YAY for power tools.

That is all.

Granted i have little experience in gaming of this sort... but funna enough the poeple most helpful to me are assassins.

They've tanked for me, given me shit, and generaly been cool.

if only real life were this nice. I might not be so cynical if it were like this. But it's not, so, I'm over it.

This Asassin Female named Bunney is currently helping us.